My awesome, fudgy, gooey chocolate cake
So, for the second time in two weeks, I baked this beyond-awesome chocolate cake and just had to flaunt this somewhere! Therefore, pictures are given below.
Yes, I knowww, I need to work on my presentation skills. However, what matters most is the taste 😉 I dont have the patience for working on presentation when the cake is, well, a fork away from being gorged down..by who else first, but moi.
Anyone need the recipe? (this is my way of getting SOME comment, puhleez?)
Sounds desperate? Tell.me.about.it.
Hah!
The Secret?
The Secret!? Maybe not.
There are some people in the world (of course, this generalization includes me) who although absolutely negative in their view of the world, are yearning for a miracle, a secret, if you may, to transform their lives into something out of their wildest fantasies. They (ahem, ‘we’) expect something that is just ‘out there’ and waiting for ‘us’ (okay) to discover this, to grant them all they ever wished and yearned for. A ‘something’ that is better classified as a story taken from the Arabian Nights (read: Aladdin and the Magic Lamp) – however, with a twist of modern inspiration, insight and well, lets say, knowledge (metaphysics, anyone) which is all incomprehensible to the common man. Yet, so much more believable.
So, okay, GUILTY AS CHARGED.
A few months back, somewhere around November 2008, life couldn’t just get any better for me. Sinking into a deep depression, with everything but bankruptcy in the face, mixed with health issues and family problems, things were just perfect.
I used to cast my quality of Pessimism as just that; a quality. Quotes like, No expectations, no disappointments was a mantra I repeated rather religiously. Then someone in my close family recommends: THE SECRET. I discarded the notion, thinking its all in the mind, these things don’t work. Then my father, whose negativity often beats mine, all but pushes me into watching the DVD.
At the end of a bad day, I say, sure, what the hell, and give it a shot. Lo and behold, it’s like overnight I am a changed person! I believe with all heart and soul in the teachings and work on being all positive.
Trying out the ‘positive vibes’ on a few small things, I come up with near-miracles. Totally convinced now.
So here, I am changing myself, becoming positive, despite the in-your-face possibility of failures, and ho! Things are not really changing.
Sure, there are the late night Solitaire games I am winning without fail. And the parking space deal – working out to be just fine. And also…umm, no that’s really about it. And be reminded, I’m nearly hitting dirt here otherwise. Things are bad.
And now I think; dude, you don’t have it in you. Despite all the trying, your negativity is probably coming into play. So whatever, half-heartedly or without much effort, I keep at the positive thinking, literally hand-to-mouth, right? Yet, I am just reminded every time, that something is amiss, and I keep on blaming myself.
Then one fine day, which is just very recently, I am craving ‘intelligent, meaningful conversation’ with anyone, which is not gossip or inane discussions poking fun at everything – but serious discussion about interesting stuff. And hah!
A friend of mine drops by at the office. Someone very well-read, exceptionally broad-minded about different concepts, the like. So I start telling her about this near-nirvana of the Secret in my life, and how I can’t seem to be working the magic in, because of my negative thinking.
As I said, this friend is very well-read. This means not that I would take everything word for word, whatever she says, but a reference is good enough to get me thinking. And what does she reveal to me? The LAW OF REPULSION.
The Law of Repulsion? Seriously? I mean all this time wasted, all the ‘positive thinking’, this near embarrassment of pasting a ‘Universal Cheque’ in front of the desk, the expectations of me becoming a Millionaire soon, blah blah – all stand null and void.
Really, I don’t know. I didn’t give the discussion much ear once I heard the negating concept of Repulsion. But then I knew what was amiss; common sense. Just pure logic.
Things don’t happen like that. Forget the world, civilizations past and beyond; let’s talk about me. I have the experience of knowing that nothing comes easy. Let’s say the two extremes of the Law of Attraction and Repulsion exist – who has the time? Not me. I can’t start learning about metaphysics and energy; all this crap to learn how my life is going to get better.
Hell, with my comprehension skills, I might be around 50 when I learn how to work these things in. By then I will probably be suffering from Lung cancer and coughing up bloody phlegm.
Before writing this post, I thought about googling this concept. It exists. It’s a concept, sure, so are many other things. I don’t have time to work on this.
So where do I stand today?
I am a confused, half-baked optimist, possibly filing for bankruptcy sometime soon. How has THE SECRET helped me? Well, I am still winning the Solitaire games. Yeah that’s pretty much about it. No more parking spaces either.
I don’t know. Maybe it works for some, doesn’t work for others? Who cares? I need money, and stability; pronto. No bullshit.
And one of my first posts, about Irony and optimism? Sure, I still stand by that.
Optimism is good. Good for the system, good to hope, works in keeping things light. But, in moderation. Pessimism, keeps you a step ahead.
So now I agree on a middle point, not either extreme.
I am sooo generalized now. Sad.
Comments?
Uh, please comment. Puhleezz. Good, bad, boring, awful, god-awful ranting, painful reading…views? what? please?
thanks! 😀
Am I livin’ it right? #1
An interview of a very admirable TV personality and famous, sometimes-controversial, lawyer, got me thinking; about the existence of man today, the pomposity and grandeur associated with material accumulation, faux respect gained through this and what in the end our being actually amounts to.
This could well be disregarded as another philosophical discussion, which makes sense only for the much experienced and those worn in life. I would however, digress. In my opinion, an evaluation of our existence, worth and way of life are in the end, are imperative for a jolt to reality and to lead a blissful, satisfied life.
What follows has at the moment, nothing much to do with what I have mentioned-above, but read on for the sake of exasperation only 🙂
I, as an individual, amount to zilch when I stand alone against the rest of the world’s populace, or even the inhabitants of my own city/ county. My worth as a human being accounts for nothing. In cosmic time, my life span of perhaps on average, 60 years, would be just a spark.
Pfftt. This is what my life story is, according to the universe.
Then, why all this hype about life and different insights of scholars and others about life being a piece of cake, unfair or fair, a struggle, equal to 4 days long , etc? Why bother about morality, ethics, principles, goodness, decency, integrity or their other extremes, when you don’t really know what the purpose is, of your existence, of your creation, who created you, is there a God, yada, yada?
Scores of religions have come into being and gone extinct, few remain most revered today; you can count them on your fingertips. Each one, I believe, teaches man of the way of life, or attempts to do so, depending on interpretation. There are varied references to the existence of man and the meaning of life in all of them, there is this constant, sometimes formidable reference of God, the Almighty or the Force, who is holding the reigns and is the creator. And then there are the Atheists and Agnostics with their theories and presumptions.
But not one really has been able to satiate my human thirst for the answer to this particular question, in the way that I would like.
Then I came to an understanding. I don’t believe we are ready for this answer, nor does the answer want to be discovered. There is this big Game at play perhaps, with life form being a mere embellishment to the Game field, and the rules and scope of the sport are hidden. I accept the vague and then go on with life as it comes. But then, that is not it.
Sure, there are no two ways about it; I do exist, I am a part of this world, this universe, or perhaps in my twisted mind, part of the Game as well. It can’t be helped; I’m alive and I have got to live this life.
Now, leaving the above speculation at rest, what about daily life? The hustle-bustle, the race, the constant pursuit of satisfaction, of happiness and contentment? Concerns of status, prestige, integrity and respect? These are much real problems. Screw the bull-shit about the universe and existence, right?
I have grown up in a country ridden with corruption, dishonesty, bribery, deceit, treachery and vice. I have been raised to be an upstanding, loyal, perhaps-patriotic, concerned, caring, compassionate and thoughtful person by one parent – whereas, the other, although subscribes to the former mentioned parents ideals, had also exposed thy nubile mind to excessive drinking, domestic violence, child abuse in the form of violence, prostitution, illicit affairs, the like.
I am not blaming here, just bringing to light the kind of exposure meted out for the development of a young mind. I stand today with street smarts, book smarts, and have preconceived notions of how I want my life to be.
But it doesn’t end here. My environment does not let me flourish within the means of the ideals I have been raised with. It coaxes me to cross the line between right, or not, which is very thin.
Co-existing since birth around people with wealth as well as those unfortunate souls who work their rears off to no benefit, I have wanted to have excessive wealth, the freedom to spend, to be able to help those in need, and to never feel helpless. I had and still have, dreams of how to achieve this, phases of brooding where I morosely analyze my inability to manage this, and again more ideas for accomplishing all this.
Then just today, I had to sit down and reconsider this all. Please read the first paragraph of this entry for enlightenment.
This whole entry does not make real sense but perhaps it is best I ramble and write out all my thoughts. To be continued in a follow-up post.
Of psychiatrists, neurosurgeons and ophthalmologists
Another session...
It’s an oft-repeated rhetoric, yet, I will still say, I am not normal.
Normal people have stories of their GPs, dentists and maybe general surgeons. I have stories of my visits to the neurosurgeon, my first lumbar puncture, my history-creating eye-exam, and the like. Then I have stories of my times with my psychiatrists – oh and stories those are.
People are used to keeping serious issues of doctors’ visits quietly, under the wraps. I create largely embellished, sometimes exaggerated, accounts of my visits and then repeat them to whoever would care to listen. It’s an art form. No, really. People want to listen to them again and again. There was this one time when a common friend, spoke to her friend, who told this other friend, who told me – about MY OWN STORY! It makes your day, doesn’t it? Of an abnormal person, yes!
I am side-tracking. I need to rant.
I have had these killing, beyond mind-numbing headaches. They could be due to 101 things. But I am not going to determine the reason. It’s my doctor who will diagnose. Yes.
So I call my Neurosurgeon. Sweet guy, really. It’s just my ‘kismet’ that he was in surgery the day I called, the whole day (these neuros really, with their day long brain-cracking sessions), and the next time he canceled his clinic, and the other time blah.
Every three months I have to schedule an eye-appointment to determine if my brain is healing well (yes, they figure that out, through the eyes!). So first I go to my neuro-surgeon, then to my ophthalmologist, and then back to the neuro for a script and possibly a discussion/diagnostic session as to why what is happening is happening.
So I figured if Dr.Brain is caught up, and eventually I will need an eye app, let’s schedule one before-hand. Done. It was due this coming Thursday.
In the middle of all this, me now being a self-proclaimed diagnostic expert, thought, hey; with all this stress and what not combined, maybe my shrink would know something. I was overdue on visiting him any way (because of 2 previous cancellations from his end), so scheduled an appointment. Now, let me add here, my family (read: DAD) doesn’t know I go to a shrink. So with one car, me mostly being the driver and maneuvering the whole family, my work and this ‘under wraps’ shrink session, is quite the task.
I made up this story (another art) and my dad and I are just outside the hospital building. The PA calls me up and tells me the appointment needs to be re-scheduled. I didn’t say much there and then and just hung up. Cant do much when dad is around, right?
Anyhow, fast forward to Monday night. Killing headache. I am going mad.
So I figure, Thursday is too far away. Let’s call the brain doc in the morning, and work something out. No response on his mobile. Call the hospital and they tell me he is on a ‘special case’ today – take an appointment for tomorrow.
Brain doctor calls back. He is on a special, “government” case in Multan and will be back tonight. Let’s schedule something for tomorrow?
Fine, now I am settling in for some breakfast before work.
Another hospital call. Eye doc has canceled his Thursday clinic. This oh-so important conference. Re-scheduled for Tuesday!
Still, I am in control. Shrink’s PA calls.
Ahem, brace yourselves.
I tell him I don’t want to talk to you. You mess things up. You know how difficult it is, yada yada.
Ma’am sorry. Emergency case. Dr. M Shrink has reserved a special 7 ‘o’ clock spot for you on two hours notice. Let me know by 5pm.
Ah, great. Now the spot is a coveted, after work spot. Difficult to come by.
I manage things, work around the car issue, set up stories, and call him at 3.45pm.
Lo and behold, the spot is gone.
All I can say is, you little **** (I wasn’t this rude); you told me let me know by 5pm!
Huh, Ma’am I never said that.
Were you not holding it for me?
Uh, Ma’am…
Listen, you little *#@$%^ (again, wanted to say it) can you fit me in today?
Uh, no ma…
Fine, bye.
I heard God laugh: “This is what you get for visiting a hot-shot, celebrity Shrink”.
After all this, I deserve to rant. And I deserve special spots. I am so tired.
Maybe I am losing it. I swear I heard him say 5pm.
It’s entirely the shrink’s fault. This anger management sucks.
I need to show him just who’s the boss! *snicker*
Next session, I’ll schedule, I will have to walk there, I don’t care. Ill write down my to-be drama. I am good at drama 😛
Uh, I am losing it. This is not good.
Irony of Youth??
Irony...
Someone on my Facebook friends list posted a link to this new blogsite (linked above).
One post titled “The irony of youth” didn’t really appeal to me. Someone commented on Facebook that it gave her “goosebumps” is quite far-fetched. Please.
She writes:
“Often we come across older people immersed in nostalgia talking about the past days. Youth is considered the prime of any man and woman. A time to enjoy and just be . However, i find in our society that our youth is the time of being protected, sheltered and inhibited.
We often spend our prime under books or struggling with an underpaid overworked job. Our parents reigns are still strong and we fail to leap into life and take our own decisions.”
I may have not attained the age of the writer, or her experience. Lest, I can say for sure that although youth is the prime of any man or woman, any time in past is regarded as nostalgia. It matters not how the time was spent, sheltered or unsheltered, inhibited or not, you do tend to remember the days of youth with fondness.
There is no irony in the fact that time is spent either studying or working an underpaid job. Its a fact of life, keeping in view the fast pace of life in this day and age. Despite the burden of studying and working an underpaid job, I would still , when I am old and dying, reminiscence about this time past.
I don’t understand why, not just this writer, but people in general, view life with such despair and morbidity. Sure, at first glance that is all life has to offer. But why cant we make an effort, to take things at face value, at how they are, then accept them readily, and still make good of it?
I have spent my ‘prime’ of 18-23 slogging like a dog, without any education apart from my A levels. I viewed my condition with self-pity, and at times self-loathing. This was my approach. Not that I blame anyone for this, but everyone around me gave me pity looks, felt bad for me, and the like. Had anyone told me that this was an opportunity to gain experience, to think positive of my situation, blah blah, perhaps I wont have wasted all this time going into a depression? Okay, yes, my mother did say the right things, but when do we listen to mothers, unless its too late?
Its my opinion that society around us should avoid putting a damper on things. One can either live as a hermit, or otherwise, co-exist with the rest of the world. When co-existing, you should know that others around you generally don’t like happy people (me convert-optimist, still working on it), and you should separate your self from them or otherwise ignore this kind of banter. It really doesn’t help.
Life need not always be so profound, or for that matter, morose.
Thinking Aloud 